For me, birthdays are like New Year's Eve - a time to look back on the year I've had, to think of new goals, priorities, resolutions for the year to come. Tomorrow, I start a new year, my thirty third year, and I'm excited for the new adventures this age will bring.
As I embark on this next year in my life, I thought I'd celebrate by sharing with you 33 random pieces of advice - things I've learned over the years:
1) Don't rub your eyes after having eaten hot wings.
2) Don't mix beer and chocolate milk (especially when you're allergic to chocolate).
3) Never pull down a pull-up on a potty training toddler without first doing a check (poo-valanche!).
4) Despite what you think, you are not always right.
5) When hemming pants, it doesn't work to measure by lying on the floor and drawing a line where you want to make the cut.
6) Don't ask a woman if she's pregnant, unless the baby is hanging out of her yahoo.
7) Don't make fun of names unless you are sure the people you are talking to don't have close relatives/friends with those names.
8) Four year olds are smarter than they look.
9) It's not cool to use big words when trying to sound smart, especially when you use them in the wrong context.
10) If you're going to brag about your spelling skills, know that raspberry is spelled with a "P".
11) Try on pants before you buy them.
12) Two year olds are stronger than you think.
13) It's not funny to re-enact the opening scene from Harold & Kumar when at an important corporate event.
14) If you don't know something, pretend you do and then Google it later.
15) Not everyone likes poo jokes.
16) Don't take any wooden nickels.
17) When picking up dog poop, make sure there aren't any holes in the bag.
18) Don't laugh when someone is holding a gun to your head.
19) Don't try to make jokes to avoid the awkwardness of a serious conversation.
20) Never brag about your baby who sleeps through the night.
21) When mixing drinks, know that 151 does not make an equal substitute for Malibu Rum.
22) Don't buy your daughter a snow globe if you have a toddler in the house.
23) If you have unruly bushy eyebrows, listen to your friends and let them pluck them.
24) It's not nice to pin your best friend's brother down and fill his mouth with Orajel.
25) Don't compliment someone on their Halloween costume unless you know for sure they're wearing a costume.
26) Make sure you're right about someone's name before using it when addressing them.
27) When going to a high school dance, dressing up as a carrot, or a dice, will result in you dancing alone all night.
28) Don't tell a long joke unless you're sure you know the punch line.
29) Don't make jokes about your love for meat when talking to serious vegans.
30) Be careful what you say in front of toddlers - they will repeat everything, especially when grandma is listening.
31) When doing an impression of someone, make sure they're not standing behind you.
32) Don't piss off a cat by buying a puppy unless you want him to shit in the middle of your white comforter.
33) Don't try to make a list with 33 items unless you have more than 33 minutes to do it.
|Enjoying my final days of 32|