When The Heart Stops: My Experience With Pregnancy Loss

FINDING OUT...

 

I woke up with butterflies in my stomach.

 

After 15 weeks of pregnancy, I was going to find out the gender of baby #3. I'm lucky enough to have a friend who works as a sonographer, and as with my previous two pregnancies, she had agreed to sneak me in for a peek and a gender assessment.

 

I had decided to go alone so that we could be discreet about my unofficial visit. My friend greeted me with hugs and walked me into the room where she squeezed the warm jelly onto my slightly protruding belly, and turned her face towards the glowing screen.

 

"Oh Bianca." she said immediately. Her smile dropped and her face paled.

 

I thought to myself, I don't care if it's a girl or a boy. I'm happy no matter what it is. Why does she look so upset?

 

She scanned a bit more, moved and paused. Moved and paused again.

 

"Bianca. There's no heartbeat." she said.

 

Stunned, I asked if she was sure. How could this be? I had gone through two official ultrasounds, the blood tests went perfectly and I had just been to the doctor two weeks ago and was measuring right on track.

 

She showed me where the beating heart was supposed to be. She switched the view so we could see the blood flow - nothing lit up around the image of the small fetus.

 

In complete shock, not fully comprehending what had just happened, I quickly hugged her and left.

 

When I climbed into my car, I began to cry. Tears streamed down my face as I called my husband to let him know. I called my parents, and then unable to speak through the sobs, I texted my best friend with the sad news. I sat and wept for what felt like hours, and then turned on my car to head home.

 

When I started the car, this song was playing, and it hit me to my core.

 

Earlier that day my 6 year old daughter and I had gone to the store to buy blue and pink balloons - props for the big reveal. I knew that my kids were waiting with bated breath for me to come home and let them know what their new baby would be.

 

When I told her the sad news, she cried. "Why do babies die? Where is it now? Has this ever happened to anyone else? Can't you put another one in there?" - the questions kept coming, and I felt her innocence slowly slipping away.

 

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT...

 

The next morning I went in to see my doctor. She quickly used a Doppler to check for a heartbeat, and then rushed around booking appointments and sent me off to the hospital.

 

When I arrived, I was rushed in for an ultrasound where an ultrasound tech, and then a radiologist slowly inspected the images - measuring, noting and scanning intently. It was confirmed officially, the baby no longer had a heartbeat.

 

I was then sent up to Emergency where the doctor on call walked me through my 3 options. I could:

1) wait and try to pass the baby naturally. NO THANKS.

2) have the hospital administer some medication that would induce a miscarriage, and stay at the hospital until the baby passed naturally. NOPE.

3) have surgery to remove the fetus from my body. OK.

 

Because I was in my second trimester, I was too far along to have a D&C (the most common procedure for miscarriages that occur in 13 weeks of pregnancy or earlier). I was to have a D&E a more invasive surgery that is used for women who are later in pregnancy.

 

THE SURGERY...

 

That night the doctor inserted some algae sticks that are used to naturally dilate the cervix, necessary for prepping my body for surgery. The procedure was quick, but very painful, and the cramps that followed rivalled those of labour pains.

 

The next morning I went in again for the insertion of more algae sticks. I now had 5 in my body, and the cramps only strengthened.

When I went in for surgery that night, I was scared. I had never had a general anesthetic, and I was worried about the complications that could arise.

The surgery itself went well, but I had abnormal levels of excess bleeding and was scheduled to spend the night at the hospital. I was lined up for a possible blood transfusion as my hemoglobin levels were terribly low (they were supposed to be at 140, but were only at 86). After some rest, fluids, and crackers, I was sent home.

I'm weak, dizzy, and woozy, but happy that it's over. I will heal, both emotionally and physically, and will only become stronger through what I have experienced.

WHY BLOG ABOUT IT?

I wanted to share my story for a couple of reasons:

1) pregnancy loss and miscarriage is more common than I had known, but many women don't like to talk about it. Nothing has been more helpful for me than to talk through it with my friends who had experienced the same things as well, and I encourage more women to do the same. There's nothing stronger than a support system in times of need.

2) It's tough to have to tell people in person when you're going through such a devastating loss. Everyone I know (both in real life and through social media) knew about the pregnancy, and I feel as though writing about it is healing and a good way to spread the word without having to say the words.

Thanks for listening, and I'd love to hear your stories too if you're willing to share  your experiences.
 

What To Expect When Your Kid Becomes A Kindy

It seems like just yesterday when I helped my little girl through her first day of Kindergarten. It was a life-changing milestone for me - it caused me to make a career change, shift my priorities, and come to terms with the fact that my first-born - the one who had made me a mama - was going to be in elementary school. Big steps for my little girl, and big steps for me too.

 

As we approach my daughter's last month of Kindergarten, I find myself looking back on how she has grown, changed, and blossomed into her own little being through this trasitory phase. And I think about all of my friends who are about to embark on this same milestone this September. Who are nervous about this big step, who are wondering what to expect. So for you (and only based on my own experiences as I'm sure it is slightly different for everyone), I present to you, what to expect when your kid becomes a kindy.

 

The first day of school will be overwhelming. Both for you, and for your little one. Whether your child is transitioning from full time child care, part time preschool, or home time, this is a big step. You will feel nervous, and so will your child, but you will both adjust, and will love the change. It'll just take some time.

 

Your child will become independent. At the beginning, you will drop your little one off (either at before-school-care, or at the classroom door), and you will be showered with hugs and kisses. They will hold your hand firmly, and they will hesitate before entering the room. But quickly, a new kind of confidence will emerge, and your clingy little kidlet will no longer want to hold your hand. Will forget to kiss you goodbye and will ask if it's Monday yet, eager to return to class. Don't take this personally, they are growing up, and they are learning how to walk on their own two feet.

 

They will learn new skills, quickly. Even if you have a little chatterbox like I do, you won't always be up-to-date on everything they've learned in school. One day they'll be printing their own name on paper, the next they'll be tapping out syllables on their arms, and before you know it, they'll be reading bedtime stories to you at night.

 

 

Their own individual personalities will emerge. This is so beautiful to witness. Suddenly, they are cracking jokes, discovering their own interests, telling stories with a new kind of enthusiasm, and walking with their heads a little higher. They will be choosing their own friends, making plans, and dreaming up future aspirations. This is when you really realize that your little baby has blossomed into their own little person.

 

Once shy, my little girl is now confident and comfortable in her own skin

 One last little piece of advise for you Kindy mamas and papas to be: try to drop them off at least every once in awhile. It's nice to see who their friends are, to meet their teacher, and to meet a few other parents. If you can, volunteer at least once so you can witness how your child interacts with his/her peers in the classroom, and try to have a playdate so your child can strengthen those new relationships.

Expert parents - how was it for you when your child started Kindergarten? Any tips to add?

Greater Than Two - The Decision

I was sure I was done.

So sure in fact that I sold my stroller, donated all of my maternity clothes, and passed down all of my kids' outgrown clothing to friends.

 

But after some careful consideration, and a little persuasion from my hubby and some adorable baby friends, I had a change of heart.

I can't narrow it down to a list of "why to have another baby", because let's face it, it's not something that we need. We have two beautiful and healthy children and our hearts are full. But we have room in our hearts for one more, so one more it will be...

 

 

We waited until after our first ultrasound to tell the kids. I showed them the ultrasound picture and asked them if they knew what it was. "It looks like a picture of an ear" they decided together.

 

Here's how they reacted when I explained to them what it really was:
 

  

 I'm nervous about what life will be like with THREE, but I'm confident that we'll figure it out. And hey, I still have time to adjust right?

 

********

 

NOTE: At almost 4 months pregnant, I lost the baby. I'm choosing not to delete this post because it was a beautiful moment for my family, but wanted to share my story of pregnancy loss as well. Thank you for reading.



Same Love

"Do you know why this is my favourite lalaloopsy? Because she's different from all the rest. You know mommy, sometimes you think you want to be the same as everyone else, but after awhile you realize that you just want to be yourself. Because being different is better."

- Emma, 5

My daughter has always been surrounded by diversity - I have Dutch parents with a Jewish foster brother, a Jamaican foster sister, and two caucasian stepsiblings. I myself am biracial with adopted caucasian parents. She has friends with two moms and two dads. Some with only one parent, many multiracial. And all of these families are full of love. "Modern families" are the new norm in her world.

Because we have always been surrounded by so much diversity, I sometimes forget that there are people in this world who are not accepting of others' differences. Who do not support same-sex marriages, multiracial adoptions, or families of divorce. And when I am reminded of this reality, it saddens me to my core.

It's probably for this reason that I was so moved by the song/video by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis called "Same Love". Check it out below and try not to cry...

Please choose your words wisely when you're around your kids.
Please teach them to be accepting of everyone, no matter how different they might seem.
Please teach your children that unique is beautiful.
Because underneath, it's all the same love.

 

What The Eff Should I Make For Dinner?

There are two things that I dread each and every day as a busy mommy of two:

 

1) Making lunches.

2) Trying to decide what the eff to make for dinner.

 

For you chef extraordinaires, there's an awesome site with a similar title to my blog post that gives you some great dinner ideas (you can check it out here: What The F*&# Should I Make For Dinner). But if you're anything like me, you won't have the time, ingredients, or energy to make things like "Herbes de Provence Roasted Chicken with Lemon and Garlic Fennel-Stewed Lentils" every night. Sounds delish, but my kids would gag and dry heave if I even said that dinner suggestion to them.

 

If you're looking for a quick, simple meal using basic ingredients that you'll probably already have in your cupboard, try this one on for size! I can't get enough of this dinner, and my kids love it too!

 

Chicken Broccoli Bake

 

Ingredients:

 

2-3 boneless skinless chicken breasts

2 heads of broccoli

2 cups of grated mild cheddar cheese

1 can of cream of chicken soup

1/2 cup of mayonnaise

1/4 cup 2% milk

2 tbsp curry powder

 

Serves: 4.

Cooking time (including prep): Approx 20 minutes.

 

Directions:

 

1) Preheat oven to 410 F.

 

2) In a pot or rice cooker, cook 2 cups of Basmati rice.

 

3) Chop up the broccoli into bite-sized pieces.

 

4) Cut up chicken breasts into small pieces.

 

 

5) Cook the chicken in a frying pan with a little butter until light brown on both sides.

 

6) Add the broccoli to the chicken in the frying pan, and cover it with a lid to steam until the broccoli is tender and bright green (approx 2-3 minutes).

 

7) In a mixing bowl, combine cream of chicken soup, mayonnaise, curry powder, and milk. Mix with a hand mixer or whisk until creamy.

 

 

8) Pour chicken and broccoli into a small casserole dish, and pour the creamy sauce evenly on top.

 

9) Sprinkle grated cheese evenly on top, place in the oven.

 

10) Bake until cheese is melted and light brown.

 

 

11) Serve on rice and enjoy!

 

Thumbs up from some very picky food critics!

There you go, easy peasy!

 

Try it out and let me know what you think :)

Mommy Croaks

I'm tired of sounding like Patty and Selma Bouvier. I've had laryngitis now for 5 days, and while my hubby seems to be enjoying the fact that I can barely speak more than a whisper, I'm starting to miss the sound of my own voice.

 

I've tried drinking warm tea with lemon and honey. I've tried getting extra rest and keeping my neck warm. But the truth is, I'm not getting better because I can't stop talking.

 

Have you ever tried to stop talking? I had no idea how hard it would be until it became a necessity. I'm starting to realize that I talk ALL THE TIME. Ok, anyone who knows me knows that I've always been a chatty Cathy, so much so that I have a bit of a problem interrupting sometimes. But I'm realizing now  that it's not only when I'm in the company of others that I talk, but I'm also yapping away when I'm alone.

I sing in the car. I talk to my dog. I sing along to music while I work. And sometimes, yes, I even talk out loud to myself.

"The only thing that will make you better is to stop talking." my hubby keeps saying (a little too enthusiastically). But I'm stubborn. The more he tells me to stop talking, the more I talk to spite him. But really I'm just making myself worse.

Will I ever hear the soothing sound of air pushing through my larynx and out my mouth to speak sweet words again? Will the intonation of my mean mommy voice I growl on an almost daily basis never be heard again?

Will I forever sound like a smoking Simpson sister?

This is also what my hair looks like naturally...

Do you have any home remedies to cure laryngitis?

How You Play The Game

It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game...

...unless you're playing with a five year old.

For most of my childhood I was an only child, so board games didn't make a frequent appearance in our home. Solitaire and other games designed for one were the games that I enjoyed. I dreamed of the day when I would have my own family - my children would spend hours playing games and make-believe with their siblings while I watched on with envious eyes. So imagine my pleasure when my little girl suggested that we play a game of Monopoly as a family after dinner!

 

We set up her new Monopoly Junior game, doled out the cash, and rolled the diced. Our family of four giggled and awed and booed as each of us took our turns (little guy rolled the dice for each of us as he's still a bit young to stay focused on the game or count the bills).

 

Everything was going smoothly, my dreams of family game nights were coming true, and my children were having a blast - tech-free!

 

Until the end of the game approached. Hubs ran out of cash and it was time for my girl and I to count the dough to determine the winner.

"Twenty dollars!" she squealed with delight.

"Twenty seven, I win!" I chimed equally as delighted.

My girl burst into tears and ran into her room where she burried her face in her pillow like a forlorn teenager who had just had the worst day of her life.

I guess my fist-pumping victory dance didn't help.

Lesson learned: when you're playing a game with five year olds, just let the kids win.

A fun game of Monopoly - before the tears

Do you always let your kids win when you play games?